John Walt

Too much comfort is a barrier to our journey of growth.

The book Rules for a Knight is a philosophical fable presented as a letter written by a knight to his children before a potentially fatal battle in 1483. Knowing he may not survive, the knight compiles his life’s wisdom and guidance into a series of reflections on virtues and values. At one point, the knight shares what his father considered to be the wisest thing he ever heard the king say, “I wish you modest success.” He explains that too much success often ruins people, so instead, what they should desire is just a moderate amount of success. That phrase stuck with me and effectively summarizes what my mentors have been telling me for years.

I have been honored to spend thousands of hours with some incredible leaders who understand what real success is. They have encouraged me time and again to beware of the trap of pursuing what our culture calls success. I now do the same for my kids. When they were very young, I started warning them to avoid the lie of fame and wealth as they get older. We talk about how real success is following Jesus, discovering their true identity, investing in their families, and doing the work God has called them to. We live in a culture that tells every young person that what they should want is fame and wealth. But it's clear that these things more often than not destroy lives and relationships. Money and influence aren’t the problem; backwards priorities and a life spent on self-gratification are the real issue.

What are we pursuing?

God told me years ago that if I trade any part of my family to pursue my calling, then I have missed it completely. At the time, I had planned to someday get a full-time nanny so I could be free to work and travel. I really didn’t come into marriage and family with the perspective that my family is the most important work I will do in my life, that all came later. Fortunately, Heather never struggled with such misguided ideas, and God kindly changed my heart and redirected my focus.

We have all seen parents who give almost all their life energy and time when their kids are young to the pursuit of success. Then, if they are lucky, they achieve it, but it's too late to go back and reshape their kids. 75% of the time that parents will spend with their kids over their lifetime happens before the kids are age 12. Those first 12 years are critical to shaping who our kids will grow up to be. Too often, people trade their families for wealth and influence and then spend the rest of their lives trying to restore what they lost.

How the world changes

I will cover this topic more in-depth later, but I want to briefly hit on it in this note. Several years ago, I was consulting with a social media startup, and we were looking at viral coefficients a lot as a part of building a growth strategy for the platform. Around this time, God told me something that completely changed my perspective on how we change the world and influence people. He said the kingdom grows 1 to 1.

In viral coefficients, something is considered to have viral growth when each user, on average, brings in more than one new user. I realized that what God was showing me was that I and most other people have an incorrect understanding of how to change the world. We love the idea of reaching millions with our campaigns and events. We accidentally think that more is better. If reaching 10 people with an important message is good, then reaching millions is better. That’s not actually true, when we reach millions, it rarely creates truly changed hearts. If we have a correct understanding of how people grow and change, then it becomes clear that real change takes relationship, time, and repetition.

If everyone who followed Jesus spent their lives deeply investing in shaping their kids and other people they are in relationship with, then the world would look completely different in a handful of generations. Many people do this, and I am a byproduct of such thinking, both from my parents and my mentors. Too often, we chase large-scale reach, believing it is how we change the world and accidentally abandon the most important influence we each have on the world.

Discipleship starts at home. - Scott Dohner

About 4 years ago, Heather and I went on a date, and I asked a question for us to consider that God had laid on my heart. Let’s say that when our oldest son is 18, he is not the man of God we want him to be, and let's also pretend that we have been very successful and are worth $20M. How much of that wealth would we trade to go back and redo things so that he could be on a better path to being who God created him to be? We both immediately said, “all of it.” Since we can’t actually buy a redo, how do we live now with that kind of radical commitment to shaping our kids now? That conversation helped me to clarify that raising our kids to be disciples of Jesus is the most important work we are doing over the next couple of decades. This clarity affects every decision we make in life. I often fail at this, but it is a mental model that I come back to often when wrestling with big decisions.

Moderate Success

We all exist every day in a battle for our minds. Everything wants our attention and promises to give us what we need and want. Unplugging from it requires us to get really clear on what we really want. If we don’t, then it’s easy to start wanting what we are being sold.

What the world tells us about success is wrong; it's more than wrong, it’s evil. The worst part is that we are caught up in it, and we don’t see what we are doing. The world tells us that fame, money, power, sex, beauty, and pleasure are the purpose and singular pursuit of our lives. Of course, all of this is branded as love, freedom, impact, health, and joy so that we don’t see what we are really buying into.

The world defines success by how far you are from normal. The better you are than everyone else, the more successful you are. The more talented, the stronger, the wealthier, the more athletic, faster, and more attractive. The less average you are, the more successful you are. It also says more is better, more money, toys, houses, vacations, and friends.

The truth is, we should measure success by how closely we build our lives around what is best and what truly matters. We should define success by the quality of relationships we have, the peace we experience, the love we carry for others, the joy that fills us, and freedom from shame, fear, envy, and scarcity. We should define our personal success as growing and becoming like Jesus. This picture of success is so radically different than the world's perspective. Instead of trying to be better than most people or acquire more stuff, we are focused on becoming more like Jesus. I believe that true success in life is complete, wholehearted surrender to life as a disciple of Jesus.

So many people become successful in the eyes of our culture, then end up divorced and have strained relationships with their kids and loved ones. You can’t chase the world's success while also being a disciple of Jesus. We have all heard it said that no one says from their deathbed that they wished they worked more, achieved more, or made more money. They speak of relationships, God, love they have felt, the burdens they have carried, and the freedom they have found.

Application

I think all of us, if we take the time to think deeply, will agree that what we really want in life is not to trade our energy, time, and impact for money and recognition. But in the moment when I see a path to more success, it’s hard not to instinctively pursue it. I have spent years unbaking my mind from our cultural definition of success and I still get sucked into it all the time. It's not easy to break agreement with the lies of success, particularly when, almost all our lives, we have been told by our culture that success is money, fame, and power.

Moderate Success is a mental model that I come back to all the time. At the heart of it is the idea that too much of the world's brand of success will actually keep me from becoming who God created me to be and the impact He has called me to have.

Here are several things that I am reminded of every time I reflect on this mental model.

What I am pursuing first and foremost is being a disciple of Jesus in all that I do.
I want enough financial freedom to support the life my family and I are called to.
I am unwilling to trade my family time, health, and relationships to build wealth or gain influence.
People's desire for the world's brand of success comes from a lack of identity. If I am struggling with a desire for wealth and influence, then I need to reground myself in what God say is true about my identity.
My spiritual and personal growth happens in the struggles and tensions of life.

I have found that this is a great tool to incorporate into my decision-making. Will taking this project on serve our families' pursuit of true success or work against it? There is nothing wrong with making lots of money, but if it comes at the expense of your family and your journey with God, then it is not worth it; no amount of money is. What I now desire for myself is that I can earn enough to make it possible to live the life our family is called to, and that I can influence the lives of the people God has put in my life. My prayer is that through repetition and demonstration, I can raise kids who naturally desire moderate success and are not seduced by the allure of an easy life with too much of what our culture calls success.

Here are some of the things I remind myself of and regularly tell my kids to shape their thinking about success:

You don’t want to pursue being famous because it makes life very complicated.
Trying to get rich is pointless because it just leaves most people miserable.
What you want is to do the work God calls you to and to make enough money to live a great life with your family.
We don’t want to spend money on things, we want to spend it on experiences together.
Pursue wisdom because it is more valuable than money.
The greatest impact you will have in the world is on your kids because that is multi-generational and it naturally multiplies with each generation.

- John Walt

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