Living by "Shoulds" - No. 28
Have you ever found yourself wrestling with things that you feel like you should do or ways you think you should act or look? We all have battled the “shoulds” of life in some way, shape or form. Often, this struggle is daily or perhaps constant. We are all unconsciously given sets of expectations for work, sports, community, faith, school, and every other area of our lives. We are told how to fit into the groups we are a part of and how to be successful. Families have their own "shoulds," and they differ widely from family to family. For some, it’s a way you are expected to dress and behave, the sports you should play, or where you’re expected to live. For other families, it’s academic and career achievement, social status, and lifestyle. Most of us don’t even recognize the "shoulds" anymore because they are baked into us by every group we are part of.
There is a big problem with the "shoulds" that needs to be talked about; most of them are not real. They are just socially fabricated ideas about how people should live. When you travel in America and around the world you see how many different cultures and subcultures there are in every town and city. If we can step out of our own subculture and bias for a minute, then we will have a hard time saying that one set of "shoulds" is better than another. Is it better to be an Ivy League businessman than a mechanic or better to be a pastor than a barber? Is it better to be West Coast casual or East Coast formal? Which church should you go to? Where should you vacation? Who should you hang out with? What neighborhood should you live in? What clubs should you be a part of? We all inherit from our families, friends, and communities extensive lists of things we should do and ways we should look and behave.
It seems that everyone is afraid of being wrong, so we latch on to ways that people tell us we can be right. If we get the right job, go to the right church, join the right clubs, and live in the right places, then our lives will work out well and we will be “successful.” So many people have done everything right and are miserable. This is because peace and fulfillment in life do not come from being “right.” Our purpose in life is not to check all the right boxes that others have told us we should check. We build these broken pictures in our minds of what success is and what we should be working towards, and then, we pour our life energy into pursuing it; only to wake up years later with the terrible sense that we have been living someone else’s life. Then we have to wrestle with the possibility that we have forgotten or perhaps never discovered who we really are.
The "shoulds" are usually rooted in fear and control. They are given to us by people who care about us and want to help us avoid failure. What if people think negatively of us? What if we don’t make enough money? What if we don’t fit in? What if we let our parents down? What if people don’t like us because we are different from them? We create, perpetuate, and believe in "shoulds" because we are afraid of failure.
The biggest “should” of all is the lie that says we shouldn’t fail. Most people seem to carry around a burden of the fear of failure because somewhere along the way, they got the idea that failure is bad. My wife Heather always says that failure is just a moment in time, and it doesn’t define us. What if we make a “wrong turn” in our career or life? What if we wasted time on something that didn’t go anywhere? What if we lost relationships we cared about? We see failure as something that defines who we are, rather than seeing it as the necessary path to learning and discovering. What if that seemingly wrong turn or waste of time led you to new relationships? What if that career roller coaster helped you discover what you are really passionate about doing?
Most of the coolest life stories don’t conform to any set of "shoulds." Usually, they involve big failures, some broken relationships, wrong turns, and plenty of dark nights. On the other side, you often see people who end up living inspiring and unique lives, but most importantly, you often see people who are deeply fulfilled.
Just because something is a “should,” doesn’t mean it's not a good thing to do. Many "shoulds" are probably very good for us. After all, most of the time, they are passed on to help us learn from other people's mistakes. So the problem isn’t what we are told to do, it’s why we do it. The "shoulds" are based on external motivators. We are trying to meet other people's expectations for our lives. We aren’t being driven by God; we are trying to make ourselves fit into someone else’s vision for how we should live and who we should be. The greatest athletes aren’t playing the game to win approval or make their parents proud; they are driven by their love of the game. You need a lot of internal motivation to get up every day and do hard things. When you face challenges without internal motivation, you will eventually fizzle out. People have midlife crises when their "shoulds" let them down. They went to the right school, married the right person, had the right career, but wake up years later, miserable and realizing they feel trapped in a life they don’t think they want. We can’t afford to spend our lives living to meet other people's expectations. We have to be people who live a life driven by internal motivation.
The "shoulds" have nothing to do with our hearts and who we are becoming; they are all about how we look. Who cares if you are really successful if you end up self-obsessed and miserable? Jesus was very clear about the pointlessness of appearance without heart transformation. If we check all the boxes in life but have no love, then we are nothing. What does it look like to have love? Most people are not living life with hearts full of love for God, others, and themselves. Living by "shoulds" doesn’t breed love; it leads us into the prison of self-obsession. "Shoulds” create stress, anxiety, and disconnection. Only the transformation Jesus invites us into leads us to become people who are filled with love.
Parents, faith leaders, teachers, coaches, and bosses are reluctant to stop telling people how they should behave and what they should do. The fear is that without being told the right "shoulds," we might make a series of bad decisions or not achieve our potential. The problem with this line of thinking is that it’s not supposed to be other people's expectations that show us how to live. Their example is what shows us how to live. In an information-driven world, we look for clear behavioral guidelines instead of models of transformation.
The real problem with the "shoulds" is that they focus on appearances and behavior and hide the real journey from us. The purpose of our life is not curating what we look like, the status we have, the respect others give us, what people think of us, or who we hang out with. What really matters is who we are becoming; that starts with the heart. Our journey can look messy at times; it takes us through the dark night of the soul, leads us to healing, and requires us to let go of the fear of man. What grows in us as we do this is that we become people filled with love, with hearts at peace. What more could we want for our kids, students, and friends? Would we rather be anxious high achievers or be transformed with hearts at peace?
Breaking free from the "shoulds" isn’t easy. Often, it takes people years to recognize the "shoulds" that drive their lives. The expectations of parents and extended family, the comparison to friends and strangers, the unrealistic goals we set for ourselves, and the fear that if we don’t accomplish something, then we are nothing. When the "shoulds" drive our lives, they lead us down a very different road than the path of transformation Jesus invited us on. As parents, leaders, and friends, we would all do well to ask ourselves, “is the direction we are pointing people in leading them to transformation or adding to the already heaping pile of "shoulds" they live under?”
Whenever I have this conversation with people, they bring up the question of what about all the bad stuff. Clearly, we have to teach our kids they can’t hurt people or themselves. We have to explain to them the consequences of breaking the rules we are surrounded by. They need to know that there are real consequences in life due to their behavior. Crimes usually aren’t committed because people don’t know better. They are the fruit of a heart and mind that has lost its way. When we talk about "shoulds," we aren’t talking about making bad things seem ok; we are talking about prioritizing heart transformation over behavior modification. We are deciding to value who people become more than what they do and how they appear. Jesus kept bringing people back to this point when He challenged the Pharisees, who did everything “right,” but who were doing it for approval and recognition. They knew all the "shoulds," they checked all the boxes, and Jesus didn't want anything to do with them.
In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus took this to a whole new level by comparing lusting to adultery and hatred to murder. What He was saying is that we are obsessed with acting right and looking right, but He is focused on transforming our hearts and minds. We can hide behind the "shoulds" for our entire life, feel great about everything we've accomplished, and all that we do for people. I don't want that for myself, my family, or anyone else. Instead of pointing people to the right behavior, I want to point them to the journey of transformation that Jesus invited each of us on. If that means they end up living a life that doesn't fit in, they are in good company. John the Baptist didn't fit in; Jesus and the disciples didn’t either, they didn't do what they were supposed to do by the world’s standards. The spiritual leaders who have shaped the world since then have not been people who fit in. This all leads us to a very important question: are we called to be people who fit in, or are we called to be people who live very differently?
If we do not intentionally counteract the "shoulds," then we can easily become people trying to walk two paths in opposite directions at the same time. Jesus called that a person divided. We can't serve money and God at the same time. We can't work for the approval of others and let God transform us at the same time. We can't live in fear while following Jesus. We can’t experience a positive emotion at the same time as a negative emotion. In one moment it’s either peace or fear, but not both at the same time. Which one do you experience more day to day? Who we are created to be is the opposite of who the world around us says we should be.
When you start to see all the "shoulds" that drive your life, it can be overwhelming. I did an exercise once where we started writing down as many of these “shoulds” as we could think of in a few minutes. I had a huge list and I was shocked at the picture it painted of who I felt I should be and how I should live. I have included a simple version of that exercise below to help you identify and move past “shoulds,” as well as a prayer to invite God to come and help you find freedom from the “shoulds” that shape your life. I hope both of these bless you.
Prayer
God, I ask you to come and show me the "shoulds" that are driving my life. Help me to see the expectations, fears, desires, and goals that are not in line with the path of transformation that you have called me to walk. I surrender all the ways that I let other people's expectations and words shape my thoughts, decisions, and actions. I ask you to take me on the journey of transformation you have for me. Please free me from the fear of man. I ask you to build in me a heart of peace and to fill me with your love. I know that what I accomplish is not as important as who I become. I repent for valuing and prioritizing the wrong things in my life. Forgive me for the ways I have judged myself and others for not measuring up to “shoulds.” I ask you to speak to me your truth to replace the “should’s” I have believed.
Exercise
Draw a box on a big piece of paper. Start writing in the box all of the “shoulds” that have been driving your thoughts, actions, and behaviors over the years. Write down as many as you can in a few minutes. Then take each of the “shoulds” in the box and ask God to tell you His truth about it. Write down what you hear from God outside of the box. Take as long as you need to hear God's responses to each of the “shoulds.” For some of these, you might want to take some time and come back to them. If you end up doing this, I would love to hear what God shows you. For me, it was very impactful.
- John Walt
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